Tuesday, May 30, 2006

An Open Letter to the Critics Who Gave X-Men 3 a Good Review

Dear Critics Who Gave X-Men 3 A Good Review,

Why did you give X-Men 3 a good review? You said things like it is “terrifically entertaining” (Joe Morgenstern, WSJ) and that Brett Ratner “sure knows how to put on a show” (Elizabeth Weitzman, NY Daily News). Why did you say these things when they are untrue? Right now you, Critics Who Gave X-Men 3 A Good Review, are probably saying to yourselves, “Oh, great, another Internet fanboy who’s upset because Magneto’s helmet is a different shade of purple in the movie,” but you give me too much (or too little) credit. One needn’t compare this movie to the comic or even to the first two movies to know that it is bad; X-Men 3 is bad on its own terms. This is a movie that has a character move the Golden Gate Bridge to Alcatraz to move a group of, I don’t know, fifty to three hundred people there, instead of, say, taking a boat. This is a movie that makes it terribly unclear whether there are fifty or three hundred people standing on the Golden Gate Bridge when this happens. This is a movie where the Golden Gate Bridge starts moving in the daytime and lands in the daytime, but a shot later, when people start walking off the bridge, it’s nighttime. And those problems are all in one five minute sequence. And you praised it. Why did you praise it when it is so bad?

The movie is a mess, a big, dumb, empty-headed mess. Problems are created to be resolved seconds later. Characters’ relationships are never clear. The geography and timeframe of the movie are both severely confused. It’s ugly and garish both in the way it looks and in its morality. It’s poorly edited. Halle Berry is in it. The script is constructed out of the clichés they left out of other movies (the president says both “May God have mercy on us all,” as well as “They want a war, we’ll give them a war.“). And it looks cheap.

And you gave it a good review. And a million-billion people (including me) went to see it this weekend based at least in part on your good review. Why did you do this? This means that, partially because of you, another, likely even worse X-Men movie will come out in a couple of years, and then maybe another. And then, the franchise will be dead, and people will say things like, “Comic book movies are big and dumb, like ‘Batman and Robin’ and ‘X-Men 5: The Final Solution,’” instead of, “That was a surprisingly good, well-made comic book movie.” Do you want this to happen?

Just wondering,

PS - I hate you.

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