Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Free NYC Summer Concerts

This is for 2006, for 2007, click

[This is a list of free summer concerts in New York City that seem interesting to me. I will update this page periodically. I will not be attending all, or even most of these. If I've missed something - I'm sure I have - please tell me.]

Thursday, 6-1-06 - A NY Bluegrass Tribute featuring Ricky Skaggs
7PM, Castle Clinton*

Friday, 6-2-06 - Super Furry Animals
7PM, South Street Seaport, Pier 17

[Why don't I like Super Furry Animals as much as everyone else does? It's noisy. It's pop. I like both of those things.]

Sunday, 6-11-06 - Bettye LaVette
4:45, Madison Square Park, part of the Big Apple BBQ

[Soul singer. See her. Eat BBQ.]

Tuesday, 6-13-06 - Eels w/Smoosh
7PM, World Financial Center Plaza

[Eels are pretty great. They played Letterman in pajamas.]

Wednesday, 6-14-06 - Ralph Stanley w/Tres Chicas
7PM, Rockefeller Park

["O, Death! Ooo-oooo, Death!" I love "O, Brother, Where Art Thou?"]

Saturday, 6-17-06 - Saturday Looks Good to Me, Mobius Band, Human Television, and Meneguar
2pm-6pm, East River Amphitheater
[I honestly only know Saturday Looks Good to Me...but they're kind of awesome. Phil Spector-ey, lo-fi, Indie rock.]

Saturday, 6-17-06 - Rhett Miller (of Old 97's), Teddy Thompson, Ollabelle
4PM, Central Park summerstage

[Honestly, most interested in Ollabelle. Young(ish) folks singing old timey music. Their debut album had two Blind Willie Johnson songs on it. Who does that?]

Tuesday, 6-20-06 - Son Volt
7PM, World Financial Center Plaza

["Livin' right is easy, what goes wrong yer causin' it." Jay Farrar was in Uncle Tupelo. He started Son Volt; Jeff Tweedy started Wilco. Jeff Tweedy got weird, he stayed the same.]

Sunday, 6-25-06 - Canada Day featuring Feist, Buck 65, Jason Collett
3PM, Central Park Summerstage

[I saw Feist open for Bright Eyes. She's pretty good. And Mushaboom is a great song with a neat video]

Friday, 6-30-06 - TV on the Radio, etc.
6:30PM, Prospect Park Bandshell

[I saw TV on the Radio once. Kinda Meh about them. But I think it was at Siren Festival. So it's not really fair to judge.]

Sunday, 7-2-06 - Seu Jorge, Jose Gonzalez, etc.
3PM, Central Park Summerstage

[Yes, I only know him as the guy from "Life Aquatic." Hate the game, not the player. Wait.]

Tuesday, 7-4-06 - Belle and Sebastian
3:30PM, Battery Park

[They're lovably sad Scottish sprites. With the best song about Mike Piazza ever. How many songs are there about Mike Piazza? A million.]

Thursday, 7-6-06 - Mates of State
7pm, Castle Clinton*

Thursday, 7-13-06 - Okkervil River
7pm, Castle Clinton*

Thursday, 7-13-06 - Yo La Tengo
7:30PM, Prospect Park Bandshell

[Saw them at Battery Park last year. They're pretty great. Eh? Eh?]

Sunday, 7-16-06 - Siren Festival
Noon-9PM, Coney Island

[Gigantic Crowds? Yessir. Indie Rock? Yessir. Bad Acoustics? Ya-huh.]

Thursday, 7-20-06 - Sugar Hill Gang
7PM, South Street Seaport, Pier 17

Thursday, 7-27-06 - Hold Steady
7pm, Castle Clinton*

[Franklin says they're great in concert. I like their CD. Sort of like Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band all banged up and dented to hell.]

Thursday, 7-27-06 - Dracula w/Philip Glass and the Kronos Quartet
7:30PM, Prospect Park Bandshell

Friday, 8-18-06 - The Box Tops ft. Alex Chilton
7PM, South Street Seaport, Pier 17

["My baby, she wrote me a letter." Alex Chilton is - more famously? - also the leader of Big Star. Love him.]

Friday, 8-25-06 - Ted Leo + the Pharmacists
7PM, South Street Seaport, Pier 17

[I saw Ted Leo at Siren Festival a couple years ago, and loved him. He's great. You'll love him, too.]

*The Concerts at Castle Clinton require you to pick up free tickets (limit of two per person) at 5PM on the day of the show.

You should verify these times/dates before going. It's a long summer, thing's change, sometimes it rains:

Big Apple BBQ
Celebrate Brooklyn
Central Park Summerstage
East River Music Project
River to River Festival (World Financial Plaza, South Street Seaport, Bryant Park, inc. Castle Clinton)
Siren Festival

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

An Open Letter to the Critics Who Gave X-Men 3 a Good Review

Dear Critics Who Gave X-Men 3 A Good Review,

Why did you give X-Men 3 a good review? You said things like it is “terrifically entertaining” (Joe Morgenstern, WSJ) and that Brett Ratner “sure knows how to put on a show” (Elizabeth Weitzman, NY Daily News). Why did you say these things when they are untrue? Right now you, Critics Who Gave X-Men 3 A Good Review, are probably saying to yourselves, “Oh, great, another Internet fanboy who’s upset because Magneto’s helmet is a different shade of purple in the movie,” but you give me too much (or too little) credit. One needn’t compare this movie to the comic or even to the first two movies to know that it is bad; X-Men 3 is bad on its own terms. This is a movie that has a character move the Golden Gate Bridge to Alcatraz to move a group of, I don’t know, fifty to three hundred people there, instead of, say, taking a boat. This is a movie that makes it terribly unclear whether there are fifty or three hundred people standing on the Golden Gate Bridge when this happens. This is a movie where the Golden Gate Bridge starts moving in the daytime and lands in the daytime, but a shot later, when people start walking off the bridge, it’s nighttime. And those problems are all in one five minute sequence. And you praised it. Why did you praise it when it is so bad?

The movie is a mess, a big, dumb, empty-headed mess. Problems are created to be resolved seconds later. Characters’ relationships are never clear. The geography and timeframe of the movie are both severely confused. It’s ugly and garish both in the way it looks and in its morality. It’s poorly edited. Halle Berry is in it. The script is constructed out of the clich├ęs they left out of other movies (the president says both “May God have mercy on us all,” as well as “They want a war, we’ll give them a war.“). And it looks cheap.

And you gave it a good review. And a million-billion people (including me) went to see it this weekend based at least in part on your good review. Why did you do this? This means that, partially because of you, another, likely even worse X-Men movie will come out in a couple of years, and then maybe another. And then, the franchise will be dead, and people will say things like, “Comic book movies are big and dumb, like ‘Batman and Robin’ and ‘X-Men 5: The Final Solution,’” instead of, “That was a surprisingly good, well-made comic book movie.” Do you want this to happen?

Just wondering,

PS - I hate you.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Helpful Comments from Tom Waits to Contestants on American Idol from the Aborted Episode Where he was Supposed to be the Guest (Manilow Filled in)

- To Elliott on performing "Make it Rain" - "Just keep your hands at ten and two. Then let go of the wheel."
- To Kat on performing "Train Song" - "You're shooting pool at a joint on Hollywood Boulevard and you realize you left your front door open. When you come home, the place is overrun with strays. Dogs. And ladies."
- To Chris on performing "Cold Water" - "Sing it like a baked Alaska."
- To Pickler on performing "Ninth and Hennepin" - "You remind me of a girl I took shop class with at Roosevelt High in San Bernadino."
- To Paris on performing "Shore Leave" - "Singapore is no place for a girl like you. Make it count."
- To Taylor on performing "Earth Died Screaming" - "I like your dancin'. When you dance during this song, think about never having pumpkin pie again."

The Dave Hill Explosion!

Last night, I saw the Dave Hill Explosion at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater (I've only been there a couple of times, and I keep forgetting how awesome and awesomely cheap it is - $5!). Dave Hill is a comic, and the Dave Hill Explosion is his kinda talk show. He "dances" to his theme song. He interviews people. He acts sort of like Chris Farley in that SNL skit where he interviewed Paul McCartney. His guests last night were Malcolm Gladwell of "Blink" and "Tipping Point" fame, Walter Schreifels of the Gorrilla Biscuits (whom I've never heard, because hardcore scares me), and Fred Armisen. Fred Armisen was introduced as and came out dressed as Saddam Hussein (a salt and pepper beard, a suit, and a white shirt), pointed at everyone, played the guitar a little and talked like a Cockney rock singer for the entire interview. The exchange I enjoyed most (from memory, certainly not verbatim):

Saddam: I like New York, yeah. But it's more of a winter/autumn city, y'know? Summer - it's just brutal, yeah.
Dave Hill: Wait, isn't Baghdad hot?
Saddam: It's not so bad with the air conditioning.

Dave Hill also played this commercial. I laughed out loud, but the audio is probably not safe for work.


So, last night's season finale of American Idol might be the high point for lowbrow TV. It was kind of like what I want Vegas to be: over the top and deeply stupid, but rigidly professional. Anyway, at some point in the past year, two things happened:

1 - It became totally respectable to go on American Idol (Prince and Mary J. Blige performed).
2 - Clay Aiken turned into
Harold from "Harold and Maude".

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

An Imagined Phone Conversation

[An imagined phone conversation between Gael Garcia Bernal and his agent.]

Agent: Hey, Gael, how's it going?
Gael: It's okay.
Agent: Great. Did you get those two scripts I sent you?
Gael: Eh...which ones?
Agent: Well, one, is a romantic comedy about Hispanic-American life with massive crossover potential, and the other one is really creepy with lots of kinky sex and absolutely no mainstream appeal.
Gael: Oh, yes. Yes. I read them both...
Agent: So, any interest?
Gael: Yes. I am interested in - uh - the first one.
Agent [surprised]: Oh. The first one. Oh! Uh...great! Great! I'll give 'em a call.
Gael: Wait. The first one was the kinky sex one, right?
Agent: No, Gael. The first one was the romantic comedy.
Gael: No, sorry. I don't want that one. I want the kinky sex one.


Agent: Of course you do.
Gael: I read the kinky sex one first, so I had that in my head as "the first one."
Agent: Gotcha. I'll give them a call.

Gael: Thank you.
Agent: Can I ask you a question?
Gael: Of course.
Agent: Uh, do you hate me?

[Gael thinks for a second.]

Gael: Yes. I do.
Agent: Good. To. Know. Thanks. Have a good one.
Gael: You, too.

[The End.]

Monday, May 22, 2006

Amusing T-shirts Spotted at Saturday's Mets/Yankees Game

- Our Bleachers Have Beer
- I Root For Two Teams: The Mets, And Whoever The Yankees Are Playing
- Vote for Pedro
- Jeter Drinks Wine Coolers

Sunday, May 21, 2006

An Imagined Conversation

[An imagined conversation between Paul Auster and Jonathan Lethem.]

Auster: I love Brooklyn.
Lethem: I love it, too.


Auster: I think I love it more than you do.
Lethem: No.
Auster: Yeah.
Lethem: Why?
Auster. I don't know. You seem conflicted about it.


Lethem: "The New York Trilogy" is overrated.
Auster: "Fortress of Solitude" is pretentious.
Lethem: Did you just call me pretentious? That's rich. "Hey, pot, kettle's on the phone for ya."
Auster: Your prose is purple.
Lethem: Yours is dumb. Oh, oh, excuse me: Hemmingway-esque.


Lethem: Why do we fight like this?
Auster: I don't know.


Auster: I wish the Dodgers were still in Brooklyn.
Lethem: Me, too.
Wanna go to Coney Island?
Auster: Sure.

[The End.]

City of New York - Semi-Archaic Spellynge Division

[city of new york stadia division she stadium]

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Music + Video, pt. 6

I wrote about how much I loved seeing Bettye Lavette in concert here, and just noticed that a video of her on Letterman doing Dolly Parton's "Little Sparrow" is available here (warning, a Realplayer video will immediately begin playing). Also, she'll be playing June 11th (Day 2) of the Big Apple BBQ according to Brooklyn Vegan.

Bronx Cowgirl - No. 4 [straw hat]

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

The Proposition

I saw "The Proposition" last night. All the reviews I've read stress how violent the movie is, and they are completely right to do so. It's not just violent (especially not in the arch, violent-in-quotes way that most action movies are), it's brutal. There were several scenes that made me grit my teeth and squint. There were several others where a good portion of the audience inhaled sharply. The sound effects alone are severely repellent in several scenes. It's a disturbing movie. And it's also really, really smart, and very good. Roger Ebert compared it on his show to "Blood Meridian," Cormac McCarthy's excellent and grotesque novel about, to quote the succinct Amazon review, "bounty hunters for Indian scalps near the Texas-Mexico border in the 1850s." While "The Proposition" takes place in Australia, it inhabits the same moral universe as McCarthy's book. Life is nasty, brutal, and short.

But where the oft-quoted Hobbes had at least a minimal faith in the ability of government to make life better, "Blood Meridan" and "The Proposition" have none. It's one of the basic tenets of Post-Colonial thought that in colonizing, whatever "moral authority" a liberal, democratic nation has at home is lost. Basically, you can have universal suffrage and freedom of the press, but when you try to take it on the road, you're going to wind up with blood on your hands; your freedoms at home become empty shells when you violate them overseas. Literature has been telling us this since at least "Heart of Darkness," (hell, "Candide" satirized this impulse - among other things - a hundred-plus years before Conrad.), and yet we can always use another lesson. There's a wonderful exchange between two characters (The names are elided as it may lead you to figure out something minimally spoiler-ish.):

1: They're hanging Mikey come Christmas.
2: When's Christmas?

I think it's a brilliant bit of writing. The fact that the government is going to hang someone on Christmas (take that, Prince of Peace!) is telling, and the idea that one could lose track of when Christmas is is amazing. But this little exchange also highlights what some see as a problem of the movie. Written by Nick Cave, it's more than a little portentous, but, to me, it's the sort of movie that makes a virtue of being un-subtle. Everything is graphic, everything is overblown, everything is "about" something. When I was completely submerged in this grandiose storytelling mode, I lost myself in the film's repugnant worldview. I've read reviews that put this film in the same area as "Unforgiven." That, to me, couldn't be more wrong-headed. In "Unforgiven" every hooker comes complete with a heart of gold, and there are no bad people, only badasses. Here, even the shopkeepers are capable of evil...or at least capable of being complacent in the face of it. There's no joy (shameful or otherwise) in the killings in "The Proposition," and no one to root for, either. There's only disgust at the violent, miserable state of the world. Captain Stanley, played by Ray Winstone with an odd, affecting softness to him, says at the beginning, "I will civilize this land," and it sounds like a boastful imperial promise. A few minutes later he repeats it, and it sounds hollow. It's meaningless and impossible; it's a worthless notion, and he knows it. A civilization that arises from such misery is tainted at birth, by being born.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Hypothetical Sufjan Stevens Albums - No. 12

Tennessee by Sufjan Stevens

1 - A Self-Guided Tour of Graceland (in Portuguese)

2 - Riding Around in Circles With Red Grooms
3 - You've Got To Drive Through Pigeon Forge To Get To Dollywood
4 - See Rock City
5 - Vanderbilt O! Vanderbilt
6 - Burning Lynchburg For The Charcoal
7 - The Ghost Of Johnny Cash Roams the Hendersonville Kroger Parking Lot
8 - Looking Down From The World's Fair Needle, All I Saw Was Orange
9 - They Aren't Kidding About Prince's Hot Chicken
10 - Who Set Fire To The World's Largest Wooden Bucket In Murfreesboro?
11 - We All Live In A Parallelogram Universe, How 'bout Y'all?
12 - Good Roads To Bad Schools
13 - Twenty Bucks Says Andrew Jackson Would Have Kicked Davy Crockett's Ass
14 - Let's Go Caving! Blue Springs! Camp's Gulf! Scott's Gap! Watch Out for the Bats!!!
15 - The Chattanooga Choo-Choo, or, Why Can't We Just Go To the Aquarium? pt. 1
16 - Pat Boone, the Real Bell Witch
17 - The Tennessee Valley Authority Wants You To Turn It Down or, Lights Out In Lebanon
18 - The Seven State Songs
19 - My Favorite Part Of Nashville is the Nekkid People In The Roundabout
20 - The Bellsouth Batman Building Watches Over Us or, Bruce Wayne Makes the Right Call

[from John Brassil and his daughter Jil]

For the rest of the hypothetical Sufjan Stevens Discography, click here

Thursday, May 04, 2006

America: The Good Parts Version

1 - The Velvet Underground
2 - "Profiles in Courage", and the controversy regarding its authorship
3 - Sly and the Family Stone
4 - "Jaws"
5 - 24 Hour Supermarkets
6 - Ty Cobb and the "krauthead incident"
7 - Catfish
8 - "The Wizard of Oz"
9 - Johnny Cash
10 - Disney World
11 - The fact that we didn't get around to making the "Star Spangled Banner" the official national anthem till 1931
12 - The fact that the we stole the melody to the "Star Spangled Banner" from "To Anacreon in Heaven"
13 - "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service"
14 - Independent minor league baseball
15 - "The Cask of Amontillado" by Edgar Allen Poe
16 - The sound of Orson Welles hitting bottom
17 - The Garrett Morris/Chevy Chase interview sketch from Saturday Night Live
18 - LL Cool J
19 - The 18th Amendment & the 21st Amendment
20 - A Frosty at Wendy's
21 - The Interstate Highway System
22 - "This Machine Kills Fascists"
23 - “The Godfather" and "The Godfather II"
24 - Roberto Clemente
25 - Flagpole sitting
26 - The false start followed by laughing on "Bob Dylan's 115th Dream”…plus the rest of the song
27 - Mike Tyson
28 - Buster Douglas
29 - The Chrysler Building
30 - The lyrics to "You're the Top"
31 - Emily Dickinson
32 - Immigration
33 - Benjamin Franklin
34 - Google
35 - The music of Stephen Foster
36 - "Pet Sounds" by The Beach Boys
37 - The Western
38 - Walker Percy
39 - Frederick Law Olmsted
40 - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
41 - Get Your War On
42 - Drive Thru Liquor Stores
43 - "Double Indemnity", in particular Fred MacMurray in "Double Indemnity"
44 - The fade
45 - The Shakers
46 - Flying over the Grand Canyon
47 - Philip K. Dick
48 - American pro sports teams being “World Champions”
49 - P.T. Barnum
50 - Terry Gilliam
51 - Edward Hopper paintings, and, yes, that includes "Nighthawks"
52 - Noah Webster and his spelling reforms
53 - Bourbon
54 - Robert Heinlein as a respected political theorist
55 - Hank Williams (Senior only)
56 - Andy Kaufman
57 - Oyster Po’ Boys
58 - Rat tails
59 - Ralph Bakshi
60 - “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley
61 - The Sears Tower
62 - Ambrose Bierce and his "Devil's Dictionary"
63 - Walker Evans
64 - Showers with decent water pressure
65 - "Long Day's Journey into Night" by Eugene O'Neil
66 - "The Emperor of Ice Cream" by Wallace Stevens
67 - "The Simpsons"
68 - "Appetite for Destruction" by Guns N Roses
69 - Javelinas
70 - Laura Ingalls Wilder
71 - "Dr. Strangelove"
72 - Blind Willie Johnson and his astonishingly sad biography
73 - Ranch Dressing
74 - Tod Browning's "Freaks"
75 - The Triple Crown
76 - "He's a Rebel" by the Crystals
77 - Stephen Sondheim
78 - Mad magazine back cover fold-ins
79 - Hobo chalk graffiti
80 - The Millerite Movement
81 - T.S. Eliot’s anglophilia
82 - Muscle cars
83 - Lee Marvin
84 - The Sons of Lee Marvin
85 - Royal Crown Cola
86 - Air conditioning
87 - Alcatraz
88 - The back of the bag recipe for Nestle's Tollhouse Cookies
89 - Beyonce
90 - "Everyday" by Buddy Holly
91 - "Seduction of the Innocent"
92 - William Petersen
93 - Morrisey's Hispanic fanbase
94 - Stax and Motown
95 - Soul music not on Stax or Motown
96 - "Blazing Saddles"
97 - The puns on "The Flintstones"
98 - Matthew Barney went to Yale on a football scholarship
99 - "Evil Dead II"
100 - The Ponzi Scheme

[devoe and franklin with the assist.]

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Music + Video, pt. 5

Jenny Lewis is the lead singer of Rilo Kiley, a rock/country/pop act that is pretty great (you can watch the video for the kind of upbeat "Portions for Foxes" here). Her voice has an odd quality to it, where it sounds like she might cry - just a little - at any moment. So, she's done a solo(ish?) album called "Rabbit Fur Coat," which is much more country and much slower moving than most Rilo Kiley stuff (or the recent stuff, anyway). And she went on KCRW's Morning Becomes Eclectic to promote it. And KCRW put it (like all other performances) up on their site here.

The performance is a little uneven (maybe it's the album), but it's always pretty and her voice holds it all together.

[placeholder: cab a nice day]

Bronx Cowgirl - No. 3 [green + fringe]

Music + Video, pt. 4

Sometimes you hear something so dumb that it goes through dumb and comes out the other side as profound. Maybe not profound, but awesome. "I Want You So Hard (The Boy's Bad News)" by The Eagles of Death Metal is one of those things. I [heart] it. Eagles of Death Metal is one of those bands made up of people who may or not be in other bands that may or may not be more popular than this band at any given moment (I'm looking at you, New Pornographers). Anyway. The video for "I Want You So Hard (The Boy's Bad News)" has the same dumb/brilliant ratio as the song, itself.

You can watch a Windows Media Version here. Or look here for other options. Or you can watch them perform it live on Leno here with two drummers. Two drummers!

Also, doesn't the lead singer look kind of like the guy in the coffeeshop in New Hampshire from the Sopranos? You know who I mean.

[placeholder: internets]

Shake Shack

[The Shake Shack wait as internal monologue with occasional conversation.]

It can't possibly be worth the wait. What if it is? Look at all these people. Maybe they know something. This is why everyone voted for Kerry in the primary. "They have to have a good reason. Surely, the good people of Iowa have their reasons." But this is only a hamburger. Not the presidency.

[A Hispanic woman comes up and talks to Tara. Tara looks at me and says, "She was asking if it was free. I told her, 'No. Just hamburgers.'" You can almost see the woman thinking, "Crazy gringos."]

This line doesn't move fast. If anyone ever says, "Yes, but the line moves," I'm going to say, "But not very fast." There are way too many little dogs here. And way too many people with T-shirts for obscure bands. Oh, I'm wearing a Tenacious D shirt. Does that count as obscure...enough?

[Tara says, "I'm going to get a Jamba Juice," and does. We are now getting refreshments to wait on a line.]

I am looking at a Wendy's. There is a Wendy's across the street. Could this possibly be 45 minutes and ten dollars better than Wendy's? I just don't get getting all excited about a good burger. You can make a good burger at home pretty easily. Fries are a bitch, true. But a burger isn't like pizza. Pizza takes, like, a particular set of skills. And hours to make. Waiting 45 minutes at a pizza shop would make sense...'cos it's still, like, five times quicker and a hundred times easier than making it yourself. Okay, maybe it wouldn't make sense, but DiFara's is still worth it.

[We get to the front, I order, I tell them "Kevin H."]

That's a little annoying, homespun-y nonsense. "You're not just a number to us. You're Kevin H. We're going to hang out all the time, Kevin H." Ach! There's another line. I have to wait on another, smaller line, now? I get it, everything is fresh...but you can hypothesize how many burgers to put on the grill. You're a restaurant. You're doing this on purpose, Shake Shack. Creating artificial scarcity to increase desire. It's been so long that we are now approaching the point where it would almost be impossible to be worth it.

["Kevin H.!"]


["How is it?" "It's good." "The fries are just okay." "Yeah." "Mine's really good." "Yeah, mine's really good, too. But not like life-changing." "It's good, though." "Yeah." "I don't know if it's worth 45 minutes." "Mine's good." "The shake's really good." "What is it?" "Black and white. Want some?" "Nah."]

Don't believe the hype.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

[placeholder: lightning jesus]

[thanks, dawn]

Zagat on Your Mother

Your mother, it seems, is "so fat" that one often finds her quite literally sitting "around the house." This, combined with her "ugly" looks, makes some wonder whether or not "Halloween came early this year." Regardless, she's quite popular due to her "hardware store" pricing policy of "five cents a screw," and frequent vistiors complain that when one visits her bedroom one is likely to find "a line around the block." Be prepared to wait.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Secret Baldwin Conversation Revealed!!!

Anonymous Tipster Brendan McDonald of Brooklyn writes in with the following, a randominnyc exclusive:

Apparently one of Alec Baldwin's co-stars in the Broadway production of "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" left the cast because Baldwin "created an unhealthy and oppressive situation." As reported in The New York Times, Baldwin admits to having punched a wall on one occasion, but claims it was because the lack of air conditioning in the theater caused him to sweat profusely, making it difficult to see. That was the extent of Baldwin's comments to the Times, but I managed to pull a few strings and obtained this exclusive transcript of Alec Baldwin's official response to the incident (delivered backstage to the cast and crew of "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"):

Let me have your attention for a moment.

So you're talking about what? You're talking about, bitching about that wall I punched. Some son of a bitch doesn't want to act. Somebody doesn't like what I'm selling. Some broad high-tails it out of here and so forth. Let's talk about something important...

Put. That Tony. Down. A Tony's for actors only. Do you think I'm fuckin with you? I am not fuckin with you. I'm here from Uptown. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. 'Cause the good news is you're all fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting with tonight's show.

Oh. Have I got your attention now?

Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this months performances. As you all know, we lost our first actor today. Anyone want to be the second one? Second one gets stabbed with a set of steak knives. You get the picture? You laughing now? You can't close the show you're in, you can't close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!
You see this watch? You see this watch?

This watch cost more than my salary for Pearl Harbor. I made a movie with Jim Carrey last year, what did you make? You see, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice stage manager? I don't give a shit. Good character actor? Fuck you. Go home and play with yourself. You wanna act here? Close!!

You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this how can you take the abuse you get during a matinee?! You don't like it leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, get myself fifteen pay-to-play offers! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you?

I'd say break a leg but you wouldn't know what to break it with if I told you. And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Scott Ellis asked me to. He asked me for a favor. I said the real favor. Follow my advice and fire those fucking actors because a loser is a loser.