Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Shake Shack

[The Shake Shack wait as internal monologue with occasional conversation.]

It can't possibly be worth the wait. What if it is? Look at all these people. Maybe they know something. This is why everyone voted for Kerry in the primary. "They have to have a good reason. Surely, the good people of Iowa have their reasons." But this is only a hamburger. Not the presidency.

[A Hispanic woman comes up and talks to Tara. Tara looks at me and says, "She was asking if it was free. I told her, 'No. Just hamburgers.'" You can almost see the woman thinking, "Crazy gringos."]

This line doesn't move fast. If anyone ever says, "Yes, but the line moves," I'm going to say, "But not very fast." There are way too many little dogs here. And way too many people with T-shirts for obscure bands. Oh, I'm wearing a Tenacious D shirt. Does that count as obscure...enough?

[Tara says, "I'm going to get a Jamba Juice," and does. We are now getting refreshments to wait on a line.]

I am looking at a Wendy's. There is a Wendy's across the street. Could this possibly be 45 minutes and ten dollars better than Wendy's? I just don't get getting all excited about a good burger. You can make a good burger at home pretty easily. Fries are a bitch, true. But a burger isn't like pizza. Pizza takes, like, a particular set of skills. And hours to make. Waiting 45 minutes at a pizza shop would make sense...'cos it's still, like, five times quicker and a hundred times easier than making it yourself. Okay, maybe it wouldn't make sense, but DiFara's is still worth it.

[We get to the front, I order, I tell them "Kevin H."]

That's a little annoying, homespun-y nonsense. "You're not just a number to us. You're Kevin H. We're going to hang out all the time, Kevin H." Ach! There's another line. I have to wait on another, smaller line, now? I get it, everything is fresh...but you can hypothesize how many burgers to put on the grill. You're a restaurant. You're doing this on purpose, Shake Shack. Creating artificial scarcity to increase desire. It's been so long that we are now approaching the point where it would almost be impossible to be worth it.

["Kevin H.!"]


["How is it?" "It's good." "The fries are just okay." "Yeah." "Mine's really good." "Yeah, mine's really good, too. But not like life-changing." "It's good, though." "Yeah." "I don't know if it's worth 45 minutes." "Mine's good." "The shake's really good." "What is it?" "Black and white. Want some?" "Nah."]

Don't believe the hype.

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