["Making Neighborhoods Less Threatening!"]
[Wall Street Financial Analyst Mike McMichaels walks into a loft party thrown by a neighbor he ran into at D'Agastino's in last week's issue.]
Neighbor, looking suitably bohemian: Hey, glad you could make it...uh...I'm sorry I completely blanked on your name.
Mike: Oh, Mike. And you are Kurt, right?
Mike: So, what's the occassion?
Neighbor: Oh, just one last party. My landlord's raising the rent, so I have to move out. He's going to divide this space up into apartments.
Mike: Really? Do you know what they'll go for?
Neighbor: What? Uh, no.
Mike: This is a great space. [beat] I bet you had a great deal on it. [beat] "New York" said this neighborhood was "Up and Coming," but I wish it would already "Up and Come!"
[Neighbor glares at Mike.]
Mike: Is there a good place for coffee around here?
Neighbor: There's that little place on the corner, next to the dry cleaners by the subway.
Mike: I know that place. I mean, like, y'know... [trails off]
[Neighbor glares some more.]
["Later that evening..."]
[Mike is walking down the street, and spots a homeless man.]
[He looks around to make sure there's no one else, then looks up in the sky.]
[A lightning bolt descends from the sky and turns Mike into Second Wave Gentrification Man. He looks pretty much the same as Mike.]
[He walks over to the homeless man, and shoots gentri-beams from his eyes.]
[The homeless man turns into a squirrel who cocks a curious head at Mike, then hops away.]
[Mike walks up to a gated storefront. He waves his hand over the gate and it disappears, revealing a sign that says "Pollo Azteca."]
Mike: Not in what has only recently become my neighborhood.
[The sign changes to read "Dandelion Cupcake, Co."]
Mike: That's better.